


It hurts.

by muppetcrayz



Series: sad high school stuff [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Bullying, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Trans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2013-06-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 02:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muppetcrayz/pseuds/muppetcrayz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's been outed as trans at school, and the bullying is getting worse.<br/>Includes some transphobic slurs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> http://whatacutelittlejohn.tumblr.com/post/31412048311/ to like or reblog!

"Hey, that's mine!"

You have to admit that seeing transphobic, gay-bashing bullies throwing around a fake dick is pretty ironic, but you can't think of eighth-grade literary terms right now. 

They just toss it right back. 

Bobby Williams does not care that you saved up for six months to buy that, or that you feel vulnerable and empty and you just wish you could scream but you're binding too tight again. 

You jump up and get your goddamn packer back, Dave running up just as you burst into tears.

He pulls you into his arms and holds you close, the people around you screaming 'faggot' and 'pussy' and 'tranny' and it hurts, even when Dave forces a pair of headphones onto your ears and plays your favorite song.

He takes you home - still crying. Holds you while you're falling asleep. Doesn't let go, kisses you real soft.

The next day everyone knows. First period history, Dave's not there to protect you from the whispers. You hide in the bathroom second, Dave finding you so goddamn scared that you'd hurt yourself. He takes you to third period English and holds your hand under the table. 

Every once in a while, he bends over and whispers things into your ear, like "I love you" "I'll beat them up" "you make me happy."

And then on to the next class, on to more sons-of-bitches talking about you 'really being a girl' - not true - or 'just a tomboy' - not true. When someone asked how many boys and girls were in the class, you weren't included on either side.

It hurts so, so much. 

When you hit lunch, Dave hides in a band practice room with you, holds and kisses you.

"I love you," he hugs you tighter. "I love you so much."

You wish he wouldn't skip lunch with your friends to sit with you, keep you safe.

You wish he didn't care so goddamn much about you. 

You deserve to get beat to hell. 

Fuck you, John Egbert.


	2. Chapter 2

After a while, a long while, you learned what to do when they said things to you.

 

"Pussy." That hurt but it was old hat. "Faggot." That… really hurt. "Tranny" "Slut" "Whore" "Cunt."

 

It started with pressing your nails, hard, into your wrist. And then scratches, teensy drops of blood.

 

Finally it just starts to get too bad, it hurts too much. The first time you cut yourself, you were locked in your bathroom a month after the packer incident.

 

It's tentative - who's used to slicing themselves open - and takes twelve careful strokes of the blade to write "HELP."

 

Dave sees it the next time you're messing around, no matter how hard you try to stop him, and, well, freaks the fuck out.

 

"John what the fuck is this why would you do this John please don't do this baby I love you please John." And then he starts crying, which _definitely_ helps with how guilty you already felt.

 

You pull back down your sleeves and kiss him, soaking in the feeling of his warm skin. "Dave - I, I'm sorry, baby, you know that, right?" He bites his lip. "I am so, so sorry."

 

Dave nods slowly and you curl up in his arms. "I love you."

 

Telling him you love him sure as hell doesn't stop you from doing it every day for the next month until you kinda (somehow) forget about it and let Dave take off your shirt.

 

He screams practically in slow motion and starts crying again, making you flop off the bed and start sobbing into the floor. "Dave please I'm sorry please oh my god DAVE PLEASE forgive me PLEASE."

 

He doesn't say anything, just stares at you and glances between your swollen eyes and your wrists.

 

"Why would you do this to me?"


	3. Chapter 3

Dave doesn't get over how mad he is. He doesn't forgive you, not for months. He barely even talks to you, and when he does he stares at your wrists and not your face.

 

At school, it just gets worse when they find out your Big Bad (ex?) Boyfriend won't protect you anymore.

 

"Did your boyfriend find out you were a tranny?" "Did that fag leave you?"

 

 _he's not a fag he's perfect he's the best thing that's ever happened to you_ he hates you.

 

On November 18th, you snap.

 

"Dave? I need you. Please."

He sounds surprised to hear your voice.

"John?"

"Help…"

"Baby, John, what happened, what the fuck did you do?"

"Too deep."

"John… fuck." In the background, you can hear him pulling on his shoes, slamming the door, starting the car.

"S-so sorry…"

"Baby, stay on the phone, I'll clean you up and make it all better." He pauses. "This is my fault, isn't it? I shouldn't have got mad."

You shake your head and realize he can't see it. "No. Please… no." You start crying again.

 

He cleans you up, time after time after time and he doesn't leave you somehow.

 

There is no fucking way this is gonna last, but for right now, it stopped.

 

Dave holds your hand and walks around school and kisses you and hugs you an keeps you safe at lunch and finally, finally you're back to normal.

 

How long's that gonna work?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christ I'm sorry for not updating OOPS.

For some reason, Dave doesn't snap or start hating you, not even when he has to deal with Rose getting way too thin and you getting way worse.

He just kisses you, comes over at four in the morning, lets you beat your hands against his chest and doesn't care when you pass on sex for two weeks straight.

And when you do fuck, it's not fucking, it's making love, it's Dave saying "I love you" and doing stuff you like waaayyy more than is necessary.

It's careful and sweet and calm and warm. It's perfect.

 

You love waking up in his arms, love getting kissed awake, love eating breakfast in his lap. Walk to school holding hands.

"Please keep me safe?"

"I'll always keep you safe." "Really?"

"Duh."

He just bites his lip and hugs you tight when you don't believe him. "It's okay, baby."

"Nuh!"

"Yes."

"Nuh!!"

"Yeah, shut up." He prods your nose and kisses you over and over and over.

 

At school, the more confident Dave gets, the worse the bullying gets. Feel like holding hands in the hallway? Get milk thrown at you. Kiss on your way to class? "Faggot" follows you down the hall. Even fucking _move_ and "tranny".

You wind up in a supply closet, naked below the waist, furiously giving a blowjob. By the end of the month, you spend every spare second in there. Usually you're not even doing anything past lying your head on his chest and talking.

 

And then there's when you get caught smack-dab in the middle of one of your Super-Sloppy Makeouts™. The guy who catches you says suck him off and he won't tell. Dave looks disgusted and you start crying.

(and close the door)

(and you fucking _did_ it).

(he didn't tell).

Dave just stared and started crying when he left.

"I've done that before, dumbs."

He looks shocked and you realize that maybe your'e a couple steps away from normal.

 

(faggot).


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck I am the worst writer I'm sorry for all this I just can't write lately.

You truly, honest to god wish that you were okay sometimes. Wish you were straight and a girl and not dating someone like Dave, who was perfect and sweet and lovely and you wish you hadn't sucked off that guy.  
You wish you hadn't because then Dave wouldn't have started crying. If you hadn't, he wouldn't have left you alone that night. If you hadn't, he would have stayed with you when you were cutting.  
Other people must have different thought patterns than you. Dave probably would have beat the living shit out of him, but you couldn't let everyone know how much of a slutty faggot you are.

You were used to sucking off guys when they told you to, or to blocking out memories. This time was different. You couldn't get it out of your head that you'd done this thing, made Dave sad. Why do you keep ruining everything?! You fucking asshole you fucking idiot you fucking tranny faggot bitch.  
You don't see Dave until Monday, and he looks tired, so tired.

Your name is John Egbert, and you fucking hate yourself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can write again!!

"Dave, are you mad at me?"  
Your heart stops, goes in slow motion, you don't know, does something horribly unnatural when he just nods.  
"W-what did I do?"  
Dae bites his lip.  
"John, you - fuck, Johnyouneverapologized." He throws out the last sentence in a rush and you almost don't catch it.  
"Wait, what?" He puts his arms around you, nine-sixteen on a Saturday morning.  
"You never said sorry for… you know, sucking off that guy."  
You groan - fuck, you were trying to block out that memory - and whimper. "I'm s-s-sorry, Dave…"  
He hears the tremble in your voice, sees the tears you were trying so fucking desperately to hide, and holds you closer. "M sorry babe... please don't cry... I love you."  
Alright, how do you make people who're mad at you happy again?  
\--  
You're between his legs, nine-twenty-one on the same Saturday morning and Dave looks confused.  
"Kitten, whatcha doin?"  
"W-well you were mad at me, for, you know, s-sucking off that guy, s-so I thought if I suck you off too you'd b-be happy?" Oh god, your theory sounds so stupid out loud.  
"Babe, no, you don't have to do that... I'm happy cause you said sorry, you don't need to use your body..."  
He's shifting all uncomfortably, like he does in fact want you to suck him off, but he refuses to ask.  
"A-are you sure? I m-mean I'll do it anyways, cause I w-want to..."  
\--  
Somehow, you're flip-flopped, Dave between *your* legs. He always starts off sex the same way, kissing your thighs over the scars, moving up to your stomach, circling his kisses around the one place you want him to be, till the heat in your boxers' white-hot and you're five seconds away from ripping off your undies and going to town with your fingers. And finally, right when you're about to scream, he pulls off your boxers and closes his eyes, presses kisses along your slit, sloppy and wet. You should have shaved, but Dave said he doesn't mind. He must not, or else he probably wouldn't have two fingers knuckle-deep or a vacuum-seal on your clit.  
"O-oh fuck!" You really hope your dad's not home, Dave can make you scream with a flick of his fucking tongue.  
"Mmm, tell me about it, kitten." He's not even _trying_ yet you are so fucking _high-strung_ Jesus _Christ_.  
Dave moves his tongue around, his fingers faster, and when you come screaming five minutes later you're pretty sure he's forgiven you.


	7. Chapter 7

You're not okay. You're not even close to, kind of, or vaguely near okay.  
But Rose isn't okay either. She won't eat, she won't sleep, she won't even do her fucking schoolwork, and Dave has more than just you to worry about now.  
So, like always, you fade into the background. Pretend like you don't exist. If you don't exist you can't fuck up you can't be unimportant.  
Dave's worried about you, of course, but he's more worried about his sister dying than his boyfriend slicing his wrists.  
Cause you don't cut deep enough to die… yet.

On the last day of March, you can't take it anymore. You spend the whole day with Dave, sobbing into his arms, and you never tell him what's wrong until your dad forces him to go home. Within five minutes, you're in your room, slicing and slicing and slicing until blood runs down your fingertips and onto the floor.  
Dave would cry.  
But Dave isn't here.  
Another slice, right across the vein, and you hit the worst pain of your entire life and scream.  
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Your dad's already knocking on the door, wondering what's wrong, and you're covered in your own blood. No no no no no let me die.  
By the time he opens the door, you're already passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

You don't wake up for days, and when you do, the only person standing next to your hospital bed is Dave.  
He cares he cares he cares he really cares about you.  
You wanted to say "I love you" and "Thank you" and "I need you" but instead you force out an "I'm sorry" filled with tears.  
Dave just smiles, tears running down his face too, and he hugs you so tight you feel like you might burst.  
He sits on the edge of the bed, kissing you softly, and frowns at your chest. You do the same, when you notice they just so happened to have removed your binder.  
"Fuck."  
"Yeah, I know, baby, they had to take it off so they could make sure you were alive. I'll buy you a new one, I promise."  
You shake your head. "I'll do it myself… it's not like it matters anyway, no one believes I'm a boy." You nearly start to cry, and Dave holds you again.  
"You know that's not true baby, your dad and I believe you're a boy." He kisses you again and you're practically repulsed by the taste of his lips, all chapped and pizza-y. You wish you didn't have to eat ever again.  
"Will you leave me?"  
He gasps. "What the fuck, dude, hell no."  
"H-hey don't get mad!"  
"I'm not mad!" He's totally mad.  
You dig your nails into your wrist again, and he grabs them. You hiss at him like a pissed-off cat and he rolls his eyes.  
"Quit being stupid."  
You start to cry.


End file.
